Sunday, January 15, 2006


Warning: Sappy Stuff Ahead!

I am so lucky to have the good friends that I do. I don't have a lot, no big crowds or anything (actually, I think it is pretty funny that most of you don't get along with the rest of you..) but you all mean the world to me, and are such strong pillars of support, and safety nets to catch me when I fall... that I am about to take a great leap, even though I'm terrified...

The last few months have been really bad at work, as I've mentioned here.. actually most of the last few months haven't BEEN at work, but at home, or at the Union office, or at my psychologist's office, or kicking around being useless while feeling scared, or angry, or bitter, or confused... and last week while I was surfing to see if a job I'd been looking at previously was still posted, I found another two PT jobs posted that seemed to suit me even better: part-time work, with people that I know and like, doing structured work with specific outcomes and no supervisory responsibility or legal ramifications for work problems... and with enough money to cover my cost of living, but no extras. What better way to give myself the kick in the ass to go after all those other contract jobs I've been talking about forever but doing nothing about? So, I emailed my application in on Thursday night, and was planning to give less-than-two-weeks notice if I did get the jobs, since they're slated to start on Jan 25 & 26th. Cool, okay, should be functional.

Then, I realized that even if I didn't get this job, I don't want to work at UBC anymore... the daily avoidance-or-confrontation stuff SUCKS, and I don't feel capable of returning to active guarding, because I don't feel confident that I can maintain an alert, effective scan while replay-or-anticipate-danger stuff is going on in my head. So, rather than struggling through it and suffering the physical and emotional strain anymore, I have given two-weeks notice, and will leave at the end of the month.

So... back to those friends of mine....

Had lunch with Kyle, Jon and David, after K n J accompanied me to the YWCA to check out their studio space for a hoop class (looks very potential, yay!)... and they made me laugh, shared in the beauty I was appreciating of the city around us, and tossed around hoop class ideas (along with plans to attend CirKids and yoga classes, whee!)

Had a crepe with Zohar, who listens so well while I pour out all the feelings and emotional stuff (honestly, the strict difference between males and females in this aspect is pretty funny.. I'm not looking for SOLUTIONS here 'cause I'm smart enough to have come up with my own, just LISTEN dammit! ).. and then we went to look at shoes that we can't afford to buy :)

Went to a movie with Wolf, whose solutions are always so... un-do-able, but they make me laugh and generally help me to put things in perspective again, but tonight we were just watching a light, funny flick (Corpse Bride, I recommend it for the art, storyline is sweet too) that helped keep my mind activity down to a dull roar... and he offered me the services of his lawyer, and then accepted that I was unlikely to go that route, and kept my mind engaged with other amusing stories....

And got home, found that Paul had crafted a giant response to my report of computer wonkiness, and then we spent a while talking on MSN, and he told me all the things I know, but am comforted to hear again: I'll never starve, between my friends' support and my own efforts, and that I am loved and cherished by everyone who knows me well. I got to call him nasty names for getting me all teary-eyed, and we threw some insults back and forth, and made potential plans for me to escape to their place in Seattle for a break if I need it.

These are the friends that I spoke to or saw on Sunday. (think this was a record day, actually! It was great!).. but the rest of you have all weighed in at different points along this struggle, and I want you all to realize how much I appreciate you, and your support and love and wonderfulness. I'm extremely grateful that I have you in my chosen family (yes, even those of you blood-related, I'd rechoose you anyway!) .. and all the roomies with their crazy chosen-partners and friends just arrived, and made me all weepyesqe all over again, so I'm struggling to finish this!

Here I go, wish me luck, love you forever....

Weather: sun breaking through overcast, with occasional rain. Whoa, sounds like me today!

Chai's: one, in my mug, as it has been since New Years and will continue to be. No mug, no chai.

Water: polo polo polo.. we're gearing up for the Feb 3-5 tourney in Seattle, so practices have been a bit harder, but good.... yesterday and today were hard swimming, and hard playing, felt a bit slower today, and don't remember if I scored at all, but ref'ing was surprisingly good (shocked I could focus on the game, with all the traffic in my head..) and the play was all good natured.

Wardrobe: jammies, feet up and warm under a beautiful Aran sweater that Phil's (roomie) g/f Claire gave me, and shoulders wrapped in the...

Craft in progress: ... 80% done sweater, which is knit up to the neck, just need to decide if it is going to be a hoodie or plain pullover, and which is at risk of having its sleeves snipped, unravelled back, and reknit so I like them instead of just being okay with the weird increase pattern I was trying... may have lots of time to knit in the nearish future, who knows?

(dates are whacked in this post because I put it on hold for a couple days until I had actually DELIVERED the letter... I tried to edit it a bit to make more sense, but I give up!)

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